Staring at the dark ceiling I sort of wondered how I got from where I was two years ago to where I was now, laying back on a mattress in this hotel in San Diego California. Even though the room was washed in darkness I could see the moon through the window and feel the warm fresh air coming in, it was the icing on my pretty pink sprinkly cupcake.
I smiled to myself and looked down, in the moonlight I could see David's arm around me, his hand resting on my stomach as he slept. my hand went to his and he stirred, only for a moment to kiss my bare shoulder and pull me tighter to him. It was as if it came so natural for him to kiss me that he did it even in sleep.
His scent was all around me like the smell of excitement, anticipation, elephant ears and corn dogs at the county fair. His skin was bare and mingled with all of mine, soft as cotton candy. His even breathing behind me soothed me like the sound of waves and screaming gulls. It was with all of this perfection that I closed my eyes and played over the events of the day. The events that would eventually lead me to this pink fluffy cloud that I slept on.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Betrayal
Betray: (verb) To disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to; to disclose a violation in confidence.
When Boo and I first started to talk he told me that he was a virgin, I was excited to hear it, not many men will actually admit that lol. When I was younger I had envisioned my first time being with a man that I loved and who loved me, and I had always wanted him to be a virgin too so we could share our first time together. That is, I think, one of the main reasons I decided that Boo was the one I wanted to be my first. He tells me now that after we had started talking but before we were actually together he slept with ex, two times he "thinks" and he just never bothered to update me with his newly non-virgin status...any time...ever...like, maybe, before we had sex the first time, would have been something I would have liked to have known...
I told him I wondered what else he hid from me. And that I felt very betrayed. And that I didn't know if I wanted to have sex with him anymore. He said that was ok, he just wanted to hold me. I told him I didn't want to be touched either.
I told him, "a big part of why I chose you to be my first was that I thought it was both of our first times and I loved you and I wanted to give you that. Cuz I thought it was special. Now it doesn't seem like it, I wasted it." He said it is still special to him because he knows what it meant, it meant that we are two people that love each other very much and eanted to share our love. He also said that there were lots of moments that we could share together that, "would mean more"...
I told him that it is not still special to me. It was wasted on a lit and I was stupid to give it away. And that he made me cry.
"I gave you what I had never given any other man thinking you had done the same for me.
But it was just bullshit."
He wishes I didn't feel that way...how can I not?
I kinda feel like i'm in mourning for my virginity.
When Boo and I first started to talk he told me that he was a virgin, I was excited to hear it, not many men will actually admit that lol. When I was younger I had envisioned my first time being with a man that I loved and who loved me, and I had always wanted him to be a virgin too so we could share our first time together. That is, I think, one of the main reasons I decided that Boo was the one I wanted to be my first. He tells me now that after we had started talking but before we were actually together he slept with ex, two times he "thinks" and he just never bothered to update me with his newly non-virgin status...any time...ever...like, maybe, before we had sex the first time, would have been something I would have liked to have known...
I told him I wondered what else he hid from me. And that I felt very betrayed. And that I didn't know if I wanted to have sex with him anymore. He said that was ok, he just wanted to hold me. I told him I didn't want to be touched either.
I told him, "a big part of why I chose you to be my first was that I thought it was both of our first times and I loved you and I wanted to give you that. Cuz I thought it was special. Now it doesn't seem like it, I wasted it." He said it is still special to him because he knows what it meant, it meant that we are two people that love each other very much and eanted to share our love. He also said that there were lots of moments that we could share together that, "would mean more"...
I told him that it is not still special to me. It was wasted on a lit and I was stupid to give it away. And that he made me cry.
"I gave you what I had never given any other man thinking you had done the same for me.
But it was just bullshit."
He wishes I didn't feel that way...how can I not?
I kinda feel like i'm in mourning for my virginity.
Rage and Hurt
Rage: (noun) A fit of violent anger
Hurt: (verb used with object) To cause mental pain to; offend or grieve
Last night Boo told me that 4 of his friends roomates "messed around" and then mentioned that he wouldn't be mad at me if I did that. He said as long as he didn't know the guy or guys and I asked him before hand that he wouldn't be mad...what kind of a man tells their girlfriend that? Where I thought it was kinda hot I thought it was also very strange. I asked if he would be ok with it because it would get him going to see me with another guy and that didn't seem to be the case.
So, what other reason would a man say that...maybe if he was sleeping with someone else, or had, then this would be his way of "making it up" to his girl. My cousin and I talked about that idea and half jokingly I say, "dude I'm gunna text him right now and ask him if he slept with ex" (you will remember ex from a previous post) and we kinda laughed. I wasn't laughing, however when he responded with "why?"...everybody knows that means yes...and it did. He admitted that he had slept with her.
I was crushed.
And hurt.
And so full of rage.
I think most of all I just felt betrayed, by the man that is supposed to love me.
Hurt: (verb used with object) To cause mental pain to; offend or grieve
Last night Boo told me that 4 of his friends roomates "messed around" and then mentioned that he wouldn't be mad at me if I did that. He said as long as he didn't know the guy or guys and I asked him before hand that he wouldn't be mad...what kind of a man tells their girlfriend that? Where I thought it was kinda hot I thought it was also very strange. I asked if he would be ok with it because it would get him going to see me with another guy and that didn't seem to be the case.
So, what other reason would a man say that...maybe if he was sleeping with someone else, or had, then this would be his way of "making it up" to his girl. My cousin and I talked about that idea and half jokingly I say, "dude I'm gunna text him right now and ask him if he slept with ex" (you will remember ex from a previous post) and we kinda laughed. I wasn't laughing, however when he responded with "why?"...everybody knows that means yes...and it did. He admitted that he had slept with her.
I was crushed.
And hurt.
And so full of rage.
I think most of all I just felt betrayed, by the man that is supposed to love me.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Mindless Self Indulgence
I went to a Mindless Self Indulgence concert the other day, I was so excited! Jimmy Urine is strangely attractive...hmm. So I tell my teachers my dad is having surgery so I can get out of class and we drive down to the club they are playing at. We get there and hafta stand outside for an hour and it was cold and even started to rain for a minute, that sucked because I had only a hoodie on. Then finally we get in! And realize...there is a cover band first, great, oh well can't be too bad! Ohh but they were, I felt like I should be embarassed for the lead singer who was dancing about like a he was an even gayer, emo, Elton John. Terrible, just terrible. They played for an hour and then I get all excited again thinking, this is it! I get to see Jimmy!... Not quite, there was another super duper gay super duper emo cover band. It was almost physically painful for me to stand there and listen to that crap. It was really crowded and smoky and almost not worth waiting for MSI to even come out. We got to the concert at 5:00, MSI didn't come on until 9:00, when they did come on some little bitch snuck in in front on me on the balcony and pretty much took my place so I had to stand behind her, I wanted to beat the shit out of her, I think she knew I was pissed, but evidently didn't care enough to leave. Bitch. Jimmy started stripping on stage, it was hot lol. They played my favorite song Stupid MF, it was awesome. He called us all vampires, "look at all the vampires out here" it was awesome. That was my first real indoor concert, and despite all the crap I endured before MSI, I guess it was worth the trouble lol. I love Jimmy Urine!!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
St. Patrick's Day
I love St. Patrick's Day, and not because of all the drinking and green beer and crap. I love it because I am so freakin IRISH! :-) my great grandparents got off the boat and dropped the O' from their last name, I have green eyes and a four leaf clover. I realized that I and probably lots of other people really have no idea what this holiday is really about, other than celebrating being IRISH! so I did a bit of research and found some things out about Saint Patrick...
1. Patrick was born in Wales about 385 A.D.
2. His given name was actually Maewyn
3. Up to the age of 16 he considered himself a pagan
4. He was sold into slavery and it was during this time that he became closer to God
5. After 6 years of slavery he escaped to Gaul and studied in a monastery for 12 years
6. He adopted the christian name of Patrick while at the monastery
7. Patrick was appointed second Bishop to Ireland
8. He angered many of the Celtic Druids and was imprisoned several times, but kept escaping
9. Patrick died March 17th 461 A.D.
10. His mission in Ireland lasted 30 years
11. It was said that he used a clover to teach about the holy trinity
12. The St. Patrick's Day custom came to America in 1737
13. Saint Patrick's followers adopted the shamrock as their symbol
14. Up til the 1970's Irish law mandated that pubs be closed March 17th
15. A leprechaun is a type of male fairy in Irish mythology
16. If you keep your eyes locked on a leprechaun he can not escape
17. And last of all, people who don't wear green on St. Patty's Day are pinched as a reminder to wear green to honor Ireland
I remember when I was a kid and every St. Patrick's Day kids would pinch eachother in class for not wearing green, and without fail every year about an hour into the school day the principal would have to make an announcement on the intercom that we were not to pinch eachother anymore lol, ahh childhood.
I also have fond memories of a leprechaun named Pinky O'tool who used to come and visit my house every St. Patrick's Day, he would always come while I was asleep and mess up the house, putting bananas in the kitchen sink and turning pictures upside down, just little mischievious things. Once and awhile he would leave green hostess snowball treats for me lol. Some day when I have kids I know that Pinky will come back and visit me and my kids, I look forward to seeing my little friend again.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
-Miss Misfit
Friday, March 6, 2009
Mommy's Little Monster
Mommy's little monster dropped out of school
Mommy's little monster broke all the rules
He loves to go out drinking with the boys
He loves to go out and make some noise...
She couldn't deal with all that heat
She had fun with the boys in the band
In her eyes it will never end...
-Social Distortion
Mommy's little monster has problems in her brain, she'll probably cause people pyschological pain, she loves one too many and knows too well if she doesn't cut that shit out the whole situation could all go to hell. She's mommy's little monster, she lives one life but when she's alone she flirts with another that she wants even though its far away and she does not know when it will come closer, or when she will get to meet it. She kind of knows that it is wrong of her but she also knows that she can not stop feeling the way that she feels about it, and when she gets glimpses of it it only makes her want it more, which in turn makes her feel guilty. Mommy's little monster knows she loves that smile but she also knows that she feels love when she looks in those eyes. What oh what will mommy's little monster do.
Mommy's little monster broke all the rules
He loves to go out drinking with the boys
He loves to go out and make some noise...
She couldn't deal with all that heat
She had fun with the boys in the band
In her eyes it will never end...
-Social Distortion
Mommy's little monster has problems in her brain, she'll probably cause people pyschological pain, she loves one too many and knows too well if she doesn't cut that shit out the whole situation could all go to hell. She's mommy's little monster, she lives one life but when she's alone she flirts with another that she wants even though its far away and she does not know when it will come closer, or when she will get to meet it. She kind of knows that it is wrong of her but she also knows that she can not stop feeling the way that she feels about it, and when she gets glimpses of it it only makes her want it more, which in turn makes her feel guilty. Mommy's little monster knows she loves that smile but she also knows that she feels love when she looks in those eyes. What oh what will mommy's little monster do.
Trouble Maker
Now, ususally when I hear this word trouble maker its in reference to me lol. However today it is in reference to a girl that I have never met...I will never use peoples actual names in my ramblings, so we will call her Ex, sice she is the ex of my boyfriend Boo.
I hate to start this whole blogging thing with drama but, I guess that's why I have this blog, so I can talk about all of this drama, an outlit. So Ex sends me an e-mail today, I have never heard of her before, no idea who she was until I read the e-mail. It was pretty much her telling me that Boo really loves me and that he's such a wonderful man and that I should treasure him...wtf. I don't know you girl, don't talk to me about MY boyfriend...then she goes into telling me that she recently stopped being friends with Boo because she has more feelings for him than she thinks she should, and btw don't tell Boo about any of this...wow. Are you that unstable little girl? I was irritated. So I ask Boo about who she is and he says its his ex, he then causually brings up the fact that he has just had lunch with her "to catch up and she went off the deep end"... I'm looking forward to discussing this issue later this evening...
I hate to start this whole blogging thing with drama but, I guess that's why I have this blog, so I can talk about all of this drama, an outlit. So Ex sends me an e-mail today, I have never heard of her before, no idea who she was until I read the e-mail. It was pretty much her telling me that Boo really loves me and that he's such a wonderful man and that I should treasure him...wtf. I don't know you girl, don't talk to me about MY boyfriend...then she goes into telling me that she recently stopped being friends with Boo because she has more feelings for him than she thinks she should, and btw don't tell Boo about any of this...wow. Are you that unstable little girl? I was irritated. So I ask Boo about who she is and he says its his ex, he then causually brings up the fact that he has just had lunch with her "to catch up and she went off the deep end"... I'm looking forward to discussing this issue later this evening...
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Miss Rockabilly Misfit
I'm not really sure how or where to begin this... I guess i'll just start with the reason I decided to start this thing in the first place. I realized yesterday that I am rockabilly lol. It sounds stupid, I know, but I guess I wasn't aware that their was an entire scene devoted to the things that I really like.
- Tattoos/Piercings
- 1950's
- Old Cars (Bel-Air!)
- Music
- Retro Style
It was kind of a cool realization that there are a lot of other people out there who are like me, of course I don't actually know any of them, but they do exist lol. So that's where my new name comes from, my new identity as rockabilly and misfit because, well, I guess I have always felt like a kind of misfit, and I like the band lol. I embrace the misfit thing though, it sets me apart from the people around me and let's me show my individuality. For example, at school, I go to college, I feel like the other students mostly fall into the same group/category...that being one that I think is lame lol. When I walk across campus I sometimes feel that I get funky looks, like i'm not very approachable, and maybe some of the other girls are afraid of me lol. I like it.
So there you have it, a little bit of me and why i'm here. It's almost a refreshing thought that I can say whatever the heck comes to my weird little mind and nobody knows me. I don't have to worry about hurting anyones feelings. I think I like this lol...nobody is safe from Miss Rockabilly Misfit :-P
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