Betray: (verb) To disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to; to disclose a violation in confidence.
When Boo and I first started to talk he told me that he was a virgin, I was excited to hear it, not many men will actually admit that lol. When I was younger I had envisioned my first time being with a man that I loved and who loved me, and I had always wanted him to be a virgin too so we could share our first time together. That is, I think, one of the main reasons I decided that Boo was the one I wanted to be my first. He tells me now that after we had started talking but before we were actually together he slept with ex, two times he "thinks" and he just never bothered to update me with his newly non-virgin status...any time...ever...like, maybe, before we had sex the first time, would have been something I would have liked to have known...
I told him I wondered what else he hid from me. And that I felt very betrayed. And that I didn't know if I wanted to have sex with him anymore. He said that was ok, he just wanted to hold me. I told him I didn't want to be touched either.
I told him, "a big part of why I chose you to be my first was that I thought it was both of our first times and I loved you and I wanted to give you that. Cuz I thought it was special. Now it doesn't seem like it, I wasted it." He said it is still special to him because he knows what it meant, it meant that we are two people that love each other very much and eanted to share our love. He also said that there were lots of moments that we could share together that, "would mean more"...
I told him that it is not still special to me. It was wasted on a lit and I was stupid to give it away. And that he made me cry.
"I gave you what I had never given any other man thinking you had done the same for me.
But it was just bullshit."
He wishes I didn't feel that way...how can I not?
I kinda feel like i'm in mourning for my virginity.
